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From Groucho to W.C. Fields to Rodney ... some quotes to live by: Ed O'Connor

Posted 1/29/20

Here we are in 2020, another new year and another new decade. My wish for the new year was that my vision could be as good as the year number.

It’s not only another year but another …

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From Groucho to W.C. Fields to Rodney ... some quotes to live by: Ed O'Connor

“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.” — Groucho Marx
“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.” — Groucho Marx
Posted

Here we are in 2020, another new year and another new decade. My wish for the new year was that my vision could be as good as the year number.

It’s not only another year but another birthday. I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.

Maybe I’ll run away, join the circus and be a clown.

Forget that idea. Those jobs have already been filled by the Democrats in the House and Senate.

Two of my favorite things to read and/or hear are quips, quotes and one-liners.

For a change of pace, I am going to start the new year with some humor and fill this column with some of my favorites.

So as not to be confused with uncle quid pro Joe, I won’t plagiarize, I will name the source.

Let me start with one of my favorites, Groucho Marx.

“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.”

“This isn’t a particularly novel observation, but the world is full of people who think they can manipulate the lives of others merely by getting a law passed.”

“I’m not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.”

“I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”

“I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON’T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.”

“Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.”

“Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men — the other 999 follow women.”

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”

“She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.”

“Groucho: You know I think you’re the most beautiful woman in the world?

Woman: Really?

Groucho: No, but I don’t mind lying if it gets me somewhere.”

“Here’s to our wives and girlfriends … may they never meet!”

“Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.”

“Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind her is his wife.”

“If I hold you any closer, I’ll be in back of you!”

“Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.”

“Everyone must believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.”

Groucho responding to an anti-Semitic swimming club that refused admission to his daughter: “She’s only half-Jewish. How about she only goes in up to her waist?”

“I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.”

“I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought, I’d rather dance with the cows until you come home”.

“I’ve been looking for a girl like you — not you, but a girl like you.”

Here are some great ones from W.C. Fields:

“I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.”

“I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.”

“I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was 9.”

“I don’t drink anymore; on the other hand, I don’t drink any less either.”

“If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.”

“Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.”

“If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.” 

“Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.”

“Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.”

“Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.”

“Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn’t want to own one.”

“Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you’ve used up all the other four-letter words.”

“I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.”

“When you wake up in the morning, smile — and get it over with.”

Let’s not forget Rodney Dangerfield:

“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”

“I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, ‘Wait ’til it gets warmer.’”

“With my doctor, I don’t get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don’t need one.”

“I asked my wife, ‘On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?’ She said, ‘You know I’m no good at fractions.’”

“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”

“Never guess your wife’s size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.”

“I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician, I would be honest.”

“School is a place where you go to eat your lunch.”

Vincent W. O’Connor: There are three quotes I remember from my late father:

1. “Democrats will tax the air we breathe … as soon as they figure out how to meter it.’

2. “Never vote for anyone whose last name ends with a vowel.”

3. “There is only one thing dumber than a Democrat … two of them.”

It seems that my old man was sharper than I realized.

One thing I failed to mention: Dad was the mayor of Elizabethtown for years. Before every borough council meeting, the Pledge of Allegiance was recited.

When dad got to the last line, “with liberty and justice for all,” he stopped and would not say those words. I asked him why. He responded that people in America only get the liberty and best justice that they can afford. Much truth in that statement.

And finally, yours truly:

“The more time I spend around people, the more I discover why I like cats.”

Your favorite friendly, furry, feline fancier ... Eddy O

Ed O’Connor, a former resident of Middletown and Lower Swatara Township, is an expatriate living in Chisinau, Moldova.